Ich fühle mich wie aufzugeben.

this constant struggle is making me tired.

i wish i could find some peace for just a little while.

"it's not easy when you're me"

Life seems like nothing but one long drive.

a series of routes
carefully planned

or
a spontaneous trip

I wonder if I took the right path.
I wonder if I was ever on the right path.
Is there a right path or is that the whole point?

I feel like I am just constantly fucking up in every way that I can.
Almost as if it is deliberate.
Like I just want to be an indecisive, miserable person...that obviously hates everything and has no idea how to interact with other people.
I think I have been the problem all along.
I don't really know how to stop it, or pinpoint where it all went wrong.
Just when things start feeling right I realize I am just being naive.
I am so blind...

doormat

go ahead
take what you want from me
take advantage of my vulnerability
you know that's what it's all about
like i don't know
i know people
better than you
how the mind works
passive aggressive games
emotional brainwashing
hope you got what you needed

in the night, i find myself again

in the night, here, i find myself again
the darkness wraps around me like a blanket
i feel free
i feel more alive

having a clear mind is comforting
no sirens, car alarms, screams


just me
and the insects, coyotes, owls, cows
and anything else that happens to be creeping around
in the dark
just like me

Rebirth

It just so happens that everything was/is falling apart for me. I am completely detached from any normalcy I had in my life, apart from family and the place I grew up. I have spent the past few months just trying to make sense of it all...if any sense is to be made...any lessons learned. I am struggling everyday to find myself in this cloudy mess. Some direction, something real to hold on to. Something to bring me back into the world again and out of my head. It is really something to be stripped down as I have. Scrambling to hold on to pieces of the past that turn to dust just as I can grasp them. I had a dream last night where I was crawling out of mud, as if I had been buried alive. When I got to the light everything was grey. Monochromatic madness. I had a feeling I was supposed to be looking for someone but I couldn't remember who it was. I woke up with the same feeling. Just who am I supposed to be looking for? Or what?

buried alive

Feeling trapped. Can't breathe. There is 23.2 inches of white blanketed death all around me. I used to hide under my blanket when I was a kid. Nothing but me. Shut the bad out. Now I fear that feeling. Trapped. Alone. Suffocating. Void of feeling. Robotic mannerisms. Cold. Metallic. Sterile. The silence is driving me mad.

waking up from an intense, lucid dream (as i do almost everyday) is quite difficult for me
it can take sometimes 2-3 hours for me to get back to "reality"

most often i sit alone on the couch drinking coffee
staring off in a daze until my subconscious finally lets me go
some days i cannot shake the experience altogether and i am left struggling to put on a
"sane" face for the rest of the day
which is absolutely
exhausting