buried alive

Feeling trapped. Can't breathe. There is 23.2 inches of white blanketed death all around me. I used to hide under my blanket when I was a kid. Nothing but me. Shut the bad out. Now I fear that feeling. Trapped. Alone. Suffocating. Void of feeling. Robotic mannerisms. Cold. Metallic. Sterile. The silence is driving me mad.

waking up from an intense, lucid dream (as i do almost everyday) is quite difficult for me
it can take sometimes 2-3 hours for me to get back to "reality"

most often i sit alone on the couch drinking coffee
staring off in a daze until my subconscious finally lets me go
some days i cannot shake the experience altogether and i am left struggling to put on a
"sane" face for the rest of the day
which is absolutely
exhausting

sometime, something, someone

Sometimes
when you want something sooooooo bad
you lose all insight on how to attain said something
i
don't know what to do with myself anymore
really
is this good/bad ? (what's good or bad anyways?)
consumed with
these thoughts
is sometimes
too much
i find myself
lost
out there somewhere
asking myself
is this even real?
i let go too much
i feel too much
i care too much
out of my body
there
always

raindrops keep falling on my mind

so it's raining today
the sound of every raindrop hitting the neglected sidewalk outside is
a reminder of how stuck in the hole of life i am
a muddy, slippery, cold, messy hole
trying to get a grip
but all you get is a lot of mud squished between your fingers
classic capricorn hell
my bones have not tried to rip out of it's fleshy shell lately, so
that is something...i guess
that is such an unsettling feeling

saw another ufo early early saturday morning in the maryland mountains
driving back to philly
yet another reminder of either how crazy i am or that i am a magnet
for unexplained occurrences that are hard to describe
people always give you that look or that tone when you tell them these things
a good way to fit in
you have always struggled at socializing
and you just had to make it harder on yourself

subjected, subdued, sub-standard, suspicions

i feel strange
i feel like everything is coming apart for me
whether that is good or bad remains to be seen
i am pretty anxious today
skin is crawling
eyes teared up
losing it
losing myself inside my head
is that even possible?
what is going on?
sometimes none of this ("reality") feels real to me
at all
i have my suspicions...
this is what i mean when i say i am having a bad day
i cannot handle myself