raindrops keep falling on my mind

so it's raining today
the sound of every raindrop hitting the neglected sidewalk outside is
a reminder of how stuck in the hole of life i am
a muddy, slippery, cold, messy hole
trying to get a grip
but all you get is a lot of mud squished between your fingers
classic capricorn hell
my bones have not tried to rip out of it's fleshy shell lately, so
that is something...i guess
that is such an unsettling feeling

saw another ufo early early saturday morning in the maryland mountains
driving back to philly
yet another reminder of either how crazy i am or that i am a magnet
for unexplained occurrences that are hard to describe
people always give you that look or that tone when you tell them these things
a good way to fit in
you have always struggled at socializing
and you just had to make it harder on yourself

subjected, subdued, sub-standard, suspicions

i feel strange
i feel like everything is coming apart for me
whether that is good or bad remains to be seen
i am pretty anxious today
skin is crawling
eyes teared up
losing it
losing myself inside my head
is that even possible?
what is going on?
sometimes none of this ("reality") feels real to me
at all
i have my suspicions...
this is what i mean when i say i am having a bad day
i cannot handle myself